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19 December 2012 @ 10:42 pm
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by worry. Sometimes it is best to ignore it sometimes it needs delt with. I'm not sure which it is but I'm just going to let it all out here.

I'm worried about the cats still being sick with Giardia and not being able to treat them. Faith just won't take her meds and we can't afford to hospitilize her. I've tried to ignore it but it's not going away and I'm worried Ceridwen may have caught it from the cats. She's been complaining of her stomach hurting for at least two weeks now. But it could be anything. Heck the cats might not even have Giardia it might be something else... even that worries me.

I'm worried about us having gotten health insurance. I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was but now that we are signed up and we can't get out for a year I wonder how we will survive with a $100 less a week when we haven't been doing it without the credit card as it is. I never wanted to do that. We never have in our lives before and we don't for every day stuff but the crap like the water heater breaking or Tamika being really sick and putting her to sleep and... just shit, it's just so much shit.

I worry about the cold in a house with no heat. Oh we have a plug in heater but tonight we discovered it was melting the outlet so it's out of commision for now. Not sure if it is the heater or the outlet.

I'm worried about Howard because he doesn't handle the pressure well and has no one to talk to, no buddies to laugh with nothing to help him. He feels like he can't provide for his family like he's screwing up and instead of that motivating him to make changes it paralyzies him into just putting one foot in front of the other. The problem is, that doesn't work.

Howard would not ask me to go back to work but I feel like maybe I need to start looking, but I'm terrified. It is a very hard thing to start doing again. I feel like I can't get done what I need to now, how will I manage with a job again? And I want to provide well for the family but I don't want to hate what I do. I don't want to just join the lines of thousands putting one foot in front of the other. I want to be a better mother before I start trying to be more, and yet I almost feel like I have no choice. I have no other way to help. I scrimp and save on shoping but really what else can I do? The two biggest things would be to stop eating out at all, and to not buy as much for Ceridwen. I'm sure it's less than some but when you are poor you need to do even less.

I worry I'm spoiling Ceridwen but I don't know how to stop. It is one of the few pleasures in life being able to give her something I think is neat. Kid's stuff is cheaper than adult stuff and when I can't do for myself at least I can for her. But I can't really because what she would probably give everything up for would be just to have me with a play barbies with her reguarly but I can't, I can't make myself do it and I feel so uptight and stressed when I try. It feels like I can't do right. I can't fix the problems all around me and it's driving me nuts.

I'm frustrated with my car. I want it to stop leaking power steering fluid, I don't know if it's stopped leaking coolant, and I really am bothered by the SES light and the anti-lock break light coming on. I try to ignore it but it bothers me, but I don't dare pressure Howard on it. The car still runs... it'll get delt with when it leaves me stranded on the roadside. I only hope it isn't in a 115 degree heat in the middle of summer with Ceridwen in the car. I probably should take to keeping bottled water in the car... a small thing but something. Although it is cool now... but I'll probably forget this idea by summer.
23 October 2012 @ 08:33 pm
Just an all around bad day. A few months back my dog damaged my new mulberry tree and we thought since it survived it was fine but then we noticed the leaves on the tree spotting black, I posted about it and got told by an arborist that the tree will never be fully healthy. I also noticed damage to another tree in the yard, and it is one of our favorites and I'm worried about it too. Also we had some bad luck with a bank account card getting hijacked somehow. We still don't know how that happened, but even though it is in progress of getting fixed and probably going to be fine in the end it's just more BS. Ceridwen has been cranky today, and skipped her nap, ugh!

But really the finally straw of my rotten day was my husband telling me that MIL wants to take our portraits in renassiance garb (sorry I don't want to, since the weight gain I don't get much pleasure from that) AND she wants to tag along and take photos when we go to the pumpkin and chili festival which has become a (us, or little family) family tradition and I don't want to share it, especially not with her and that stupid camera!

I just really needed to vent. It's just been a really really bad day. To top it all off, it's late, I'm tired, my legs and back hurt, and I have a big pile of dishes I need to do before bed. ((sigh))
15 March 2011 @ 12:28 am
02 March 2011 @ 04:24 pm
I wish I could share this post with my husband, my doula, and my in laws but I know it isn't wise so here it is for those who will never tell on me for the depth of the pain hidden in my soul.
02 March 2011 @ 04:23 pm
I was trying to meditate today. I'm sick and was trying to get some much needed rest and instead I bumped up against a deep wound that I think I have mostly been unable to deal with. The birth of my daughter. I tried and tried to ignore it and go back to my breathing but I cannot. Perhaps it is time to write about it like I have yet to do.

I feel betrayed by the people I chose to surround myself with and by the people I asked to stay out of the birth process. I feel betrayed by them and by myself. I failed myself as much if not more than they failed me. I did not put the necessary work in to preparing them or myself and for that the birth of my daughter went horribly wrong. I needed a sacred space to birth in and could not find it. I feel I chose the wrong doula because my husband was not comfortable with the one who seemed to be best able to deal with me. Plus she was extremely pushy about not using any pain relief. I did not want medication but I had to be honest with myself and honestly I did not believe I could do it without medication. I think I sold myself short. I failed to believe in myself. I needed someone willing to talk me down if I became overly emotional and instead my husband and my doula both could not do anything with me. I rushed what should not have been rushed. I know people tell me 64 hours is a long labor but then I talk to woman and I see that most woman don't count their labor from when I do. I count it from when the contracts became regular (about an hour apart), most count it from "active" labor. I do not think I had active labor until I was at the hospital. I let the hospital and my midwife rush me. I let them do things I didn't want done because I felt like they would send me away (hospitals are notorously pushy about getting you in the door and out again). I asked for an epidural because they told me they couldn't give me anything to help me calm down. I now know better. I know many woman who have been giving oral pain meds and sedatives to help before going to an epidural. I let them break my water when I felt it was wrong. I let them give me pitocin when I did not want it, and in the end I let them violate me by cutting my flesh open and tearing my daughter from me leaving me forever damaged.

I believe that no one was there for me during my birth process. Oh Howard wanted to be but he had no idea what to do. He means well but does not have the fight he once had with me. I love him so dearly but the man who chased after me when we were not even dating yet is gone. I've seen glimpses of him but he never survives long at the surface.

My in laws though hurt by my not wanting them there for labor had no right to hurt me and my family so deeply. They chose to be spitful and harmful. I'm sure that they are still pissed about it, but the feeling is mutual. I try to put it aside I try to forigve but if I knew that they could suffer for what they have done I would gladly see it done. No one was listening and so many people were hurt. No one heard my fear of what they would bring to labor and delivery for me. No one cared about me... I sometimes think no one still does. My grandmother in law put it so well when she said they weren't coming to see me but the baby. That pushed Howard over the edge. The whole thing would never have been as bad if those words had never been spoken. By the time Howard called people to come to the hospital since we would be staying a while people were primed to hear the wrong thing. They were just waiting for us to be nasty so when words were not spoken as carefully as perhaps they might have been by me, or even Howard if he'd have slept in the last 24 hours they blew up and chose not to come. Because I was scared going in to surgery and felt my Dad should be called they got more upset. How could I not have him called. I know things can go wrong, it does happen and he's my Dad.

I've never felt so broken as I did the day my daughter was born. And I hate myself for feeling that way. I failed myself, I failed her, I lost.

I still to this day believe if I had birthed at home Ceridwen would have been born naturally. I still to this day believe that if I'd had the right support I would have suceeded with breastfeeding. And even though my daughter's birth was a total failure (and I know everyone says it was a success because she was born healthy but that's a load of crap, she could have been born health another way and that makes all the difference) there is one strength left in me now. I am determined to never fail my daughter like I was failed that day. I will always be her rock. If she wants me there or she wants me to not be there I will do what she wishes, and I will be there waiting when she needs me no matter what. I will love her fiercely with all that I am no matter what she or anyone may do to me.
15 February 2011 @ 10:17 pm
Laundry tumbles in the dryer. Round and round. The towels tumble and spin. My husband snores on the couch and my child sleep peacefully in her bed. They are sick and I am the one well. I am the one still ploding along when all of me begs to stop. I have been the market, I have made homemade chicken noodle soup, I have watered the yards and plants, I have watered the chickens and given them treats, fed the dogs, swept the floors, done four loads of laundry and put away three loads already today. I have cared for a child as best I could and a husband as well. I have gone to Target to get diapers and a change of clothes because Ceridwen blew out her diaper. I thought the diarraha was over but I guess not. I have picked up toys and washed Ceridwen. Read her, her bed time story and put her to bed. I have put away food and partially cleaned out the fridge. I have made the bed and taken out three baskets of trash plus the big kitchen trash can. I have eatten way too much junk food, and way too much Valentines day chocolates but somehow they have sustained me through all this. I have made mac and cheese because my daughter wouldn't eat the chicken noodle soup I worked so hard on. I have a pile of dishes that will take me at least an hour to finish and I just want to sleep. My head is pounding and my neck hurts. I will continue on... I will finish... I will sleep before midnight unlike last night.

I found a bodice that fits me pretty well. I feel bad because it means I spent money at the faire I shouldn't have. *sigh* I don't like the 90 dollar bodice I bought. It's a good bodice but it is uncomfortable for me.

I need to make sure Howard takes his contacts out tonight; last night he did not. I need to rest. I need to finish the dishes. I should make smoothies but... I won't. I'm off to work some more.
18 January 2011 @ 02:27 pm
Violence waits like a spark looking for tinder,
The world is desperate for water.
Impotent anger swirls at our feet like ashes.
We look back with hunger at a life we've only heard stories of.
We chase dreams like fireflies in the night sky,</p>

Yet in the day they dim and disappear.
We build our castles out of sand and wear our crowns of seaweed.
Refusing to look forward because we know we are dancing on the cliffs edge.
We talk more and say less.
We make more and have less.
We travel further and yet we go no where.
We are a dying species but we pretend we don't know it.
We are marching to a dying drumbeat with impotent anger swirling at our feet.

16 January 2011 @ 04:14 pm
We are so weird. We are so eccletic. Howard and I have music, activity, food and drink tastes that span such a wide variety. We bought a small bottle of Le Tourment Vert and will be trying out the absinte cerimony some time in the near future I'll let you know how it goes. I don't expect any halucinations (it has been widely exagerated) but there is a romance and facination to the activity and the drink that appeals.

From rough camping to plays, from heavy metal to classic symphonies, from mac and cheese to pheasent... From elk stew to hamburgers... Pop to Country... Wine to soda... Afternoon tea to a pizza party... Ice skating, and dancing... books and movies... raising chickens and gardening to dressing up in renaissance clothes or in black corsette, lace and velvet... To a fireplace in our living room to a computer based music system... a library... a old beat up 4x4 chevy truck... sewing... needle point... shooting... sword work or staves... archery... hiking... an afternoon sleding... candle lit music in the desert botanical gardens... native american flute... the blue man group... a vaccation in a cabin, the back of a truck or a fine B&B... an evening at the Melting Pot... a water balloon fight in the backyard... homemade treats of all sorts and flour all over the kitchen... horseback riding... hunting...

I don't mean to brag but we are some of the strangest people I've even known. Howard thinks it is why we hardly have any friends because we don't fit in one particular nitch, I'm not sure... but I do know I hope that Ceridwen ends up just as ecclectic
14 December 2010 @ 02:55 pm
I've decided to try and write down all the words Ceridwen can say now.

Yes (though seldom used)
High Chair

She knows so many words it is hard to remember them all but this was a good try anyway. I counted that at 90 but I'm sure I missed some.

Plus some phrases she uses are...

I see
I want
Come on
I did it

I'm just so proud of her. Oh and here is a picture of her last week with Santa plus a few others. Read more...Collapse )
12 December 2010 @ 04:16 pm
Went over to the inlaws today and had a really nice time. It wasn't supposed to be long but it turned out longer than expected (which is to be expected). We listened to records and talked, and just seemed to have a good time. Heck even talked a little about competition shooting with my father in law. Who would have known he can be almost human in the right setting. Maybe it's just a male trait because I know my own father is hardly human in many instances as well. We are going to the lights at the rail road park tonight and I think that will also be nice. It has been a good week with Howard home which is different than I expected. My office is clean or at least mostly clean which is wonderful. Life is good right now. Ceridwen sleeps, Howard is sweet and cuddly... ah... if only I could bottle this momment to savory when I am down.
16 November 2010 @ 10:22 pm
I can't be me and be a good wife. I realize that. I love Howard so very dearly and leaving myself so very open to him makes it imposible for me to pretend all is well when it isn't. But if I don't pretend all is well when it isn't I become the reason (in my mind the excuse) for Howard to continue to be upset. The solution... Wife the new persona. It pains me deeply because I've had my heart open to Howard for over seven years. I've put myself in an incredibly vunerable position with him because I wanted to be as connected as possible. A mistake I now must work hard to correct. I feel awful because I don't want to do this, I don't want to have to live one life when he is home and another when he is not, but I've been moving towards this for a little while now. I know this because I get upset when he comes home everytime. I had a wonderful day yesterday when he was very late getting home. I don't like this one bit but I don't see a better option. I want to go to him and tell him what is happening I want to do something but I know that I can't. I know that to keep from getting hurt I must keep Howard out of part of me. I must make sure that my shields are up when he is around. I must remember to be "wife" and not Erica. Truly Howard was the first person I ever felt completely compeled to be just "Erica", maybe that is why this is so sad for me. But I comfort myself with the fact that I get to be myself with Ceridwen. I'll never lock her out of any part of myself. That at least is something I have to gain out of all this time. I may be losing one connection but I do have another one instead. Ah... if only this made me feel better but it doesn't. I still want to cry so badly. I'll need to practice. Maybe I can make myself a mantra or something to help.
07 November 2010 @ 12:14 pm
Yes you read right. I'm looking in to owning a handgun. Never figured I would but when you live in my neighborhood well... ah hell it isn't even the neighborhood it's Ceridwen. I think I'd still rather be killed than kill if it was only about me, but it's not. I'd rather kill than let Ceridwen be hurt. Interesting no?

Went down to the range today and it wasn't bad. Need to try out a few things but all in all I might actually enjoy this. Just feels so very very strange.

But this is short because we are heading out to lunch I'll write more later I figure.
25 October 2010 @ 06:36 pm
I'm a mess lately. I keep having emotional breakdowns. I keep crying and stressing out and getting nothing done. I'm physically having troubles too. My back is hurting, my side is hurting and I'm getting the pain I associate with the c-section. I'm getting headaches and nausua. I'm not proud of myself at all. I feel like a useless waste. I have no drive. I hardly can come up with things to feed Ceridwen, I hardly play with her. I... I'm barely taking care of the house. I don't want to make dinner anymore. I... I just don't know what the hell is going on. I feel like I've stalled on the highway of life. Ceridwen has stopped napping and it's driving me nuts. She still tired but won't nap. She'll fall asleep in the car, and she'll sleep on me, but she won't sleep in the car unless it is running and she won't sleep anywhere in the house if she isn't on me. I have a friend I haven't seen in a long time who I really want to get together with but I can't blame her for not wanting to do something little kid friendly. She's got her own life I get it but I miss hanging out with her. I don't feel right about asking Howard for time off after he gets off work. He never has time to get anything done I hate being one more reason he can't get anything done. And the worst part of all these feelings is that things have been going rather well other than the nap situation. We've gone to the pumpkin and chili festival and that was tons of fun. We went the the desert botanical gardens, we picniced in the park, Howard even got to work a little bit on his shop while Ceridwen and I watched a movie... but none of that seems to matter with how I'm feeling.

Damn Howard's home off the computer with me. Ceridwen and Howard are home from going and getting bread for dinner tonight.
02 October 2010 @ 01:46 pm
Feels like all I'm doing lately is complaining on here. I just feel so stressed right now. I really want out of the house badly I could use a Ceridwen break too and Howard and I have been offered one. His mom offered to watch her while we go to Sportsman's warehouse but she wants to watch Cerdiwen at her place and Rob isn't there either. Also Sportsman is far from home so we couldn't be back very fast. I'm nervous about it, and part of what makes me so nervous is that Howard won't back a single decision. I love him dearly but in this one way he is not the man I need. I need someone who can make decisions and be a strong figure in the family. I hate being the head of the household. I hate it. It makes me mad at him and want to go out without him. I think I'm going to. *sigh* He just gets all quiet and withdrawn and I want to kill him. I need to leave before this becomes a fight. I'm out of here.
29 September 2010 @ 07:58 pm
Such stupid shit over a bath book. Ceridwen has a plastic "bubble book" and I thought it'd be fine for her in the bath. She was upset because she wanted a book and Howard was trying to give her a bath I figured "hey easy solution" but he went off on me over it. He got pissed because he says she won't know the difference between a bath safe book and a non-bath safe book. Well shit Sherlock thats why it's our job to watch her! She doesn't take baths without us anyway so why would we let her take a non-bath safe book in to the tub? Hmmm? And it's not like she hasn't dropped a regular book in the tub when I've been taking a bath before. Well guess what? That was my mistake I wasn't paying enough attention to what she'd brought in because _I_ was reading. It shouldn't have been a big deal and it just eats me up to listen to her crying over her book because I gave it to her and Daddy snatches it away because he thinks it'll teach her something wrong.

I know I should be cleaning up from dinner but right now I just fel like crying and yelling and I don't know all what. Damn it!
20 September 2010 @ 08:31 pm
Ceridwen woke up with a runny nose this morning. I grumbled and sighed because I know it means she's sick. I tried to deny it and went to story time. I know I shouldn't have but it is so hard when she has no fever and she's running clear snot but I know by Wednesday it'll be thicker and yellow. It always is. At nap time she shot up like a rocket after only minutes down and cried until I came to her. I held her as she rubbed her dripping nose against my shoulder and rocked and rocked her. Finally I put her down and she cried, I rubbed her back and rubbed and finally I slipped away. She cried a little but went to her much needed sleep. Tonight she is doing the same thing for Howard and yet... and yet I wish I was there holding and rocking. I wish I could sing to her to soothe her but for reasons I don't understand my singing doesn't soothe her anymore. Ah though how I love her. I'm so sorry she's ill but I love her so. And even as I know she will most likely wake me tonight I still love her so deeply and kind of wish for another child. As I type this my abdomin burns and reminds me of what a heavy price I paid for her but I think of adoption and I think would it really matter if the child wasn't mine biologically? They all cuddle the same, they all need just the same thing. They need someone to love them, to care for them, to play with them and change them... Ah I try not to tell Howard how I regret getting him fixed. I want to try again to nurse a baby, I know now how dedicated I'd have to be. I know to expect the pain and blood. I know now that I can do things before having the child to help. I want... Ah it is foolish. I know this is just because Ceridwen fills me with such love that I overflow. Our family is good at this size. And if God really has a place for another child in our lives it will happen. Vesectomys can grow back together or perhaps a child in need will come in to our lives... who knows. Or perhaps we will be perfect just our little threesome. I just never realized before how precious children really are till I had my own.
19 September 2010 @ 06:43 pm
Just an update to my friends who still read this. This past week I lost three chickens, I think it was a disease called "marek's" but I will never know for sure. We think we are going to continue with rasing chickens though.

I've been thinking about the stupidity of raising chickens for eggs since it costs ten times more than just to go buy eggs and yet... yet I still think it is right. Growing my own vegetables in phoenix is more money too but I want to get back to doing that too. And here are my thougths on the matter.

Food... It is not just a means of surviving. It is not something that keeps us alive it is life. On the most basic of levels it is one energy exchanged for another. It is life thrusting up from black earth and stretching towards the sun. It is life that runs, leaps, roots about and lives to produce more life. We are an interconnected part of the whole process even if we do not eat meat we still take life to have life and give life.

I don't want my food to be this "thing" on my plate. I want it to be part of my life. I want to see my energy tend this life, harvest this life and live this life. It is the simple joy of being able to take the odds and ends from making a salad and walk it tout to the pen and see the chickens rush to eat it. It is opening the nesting boxes to white and brown eggs. It is the smell of hay and sneezing from dust kicked up by wings and feet. It is kneeling in freshly turned earth and poking holes in the ground, dropping little seeds and covering them. It is standing as the last dying rays of the sun disappear and watering. It is being on hands and knees pulling weeds, watering trees, triming vines and branches... It is holding a sun warmed peach in my hand and tasting it on my lips as its juices run down my arm. It is watching with joy and facination how a bean planted grows up from the soil wearing it's little bean skin hat to drop it and unfurl it's very first leaves. It is feeling a kindness and kinship with a small simple creature that is just happy to see me in the morning. To run my hands over feathers and marvel at this simple life. It is being tired and dragging myself out to give fresh water and food. It is complaining of the hour when we get home from dancing to go out and water even though it is way past ten at night. It is watching fish swim in the pond, eatting what we give them and also bugs to keep the water clean. The dogs swiming in the pond. The dogs clearing meat from our leftovers after dinner. It is realizing how much we can cut down on our trash. It is watching the washing machine water flow out over the lawn... It is trying to grind mesquite pods in the blender and breaking it. It is learning and growing and living.

I know that it is money we don't really have to spend and perhaps someday we won't have any left to do these things. These thirsty plants take so much water in this hot desert. These animals need so much and yet they give so much too. I feel good about it. And when the money runs out I guess these things will have to end but still I dream.

I dream of sheep running around with the dogs. I dream of my hand squeezing out fresh milk. I dream of pots on the stove with rennet and milk, my press finally put in to use. I dream of boiled and frozen tomatoes, and homemade chicken stock. I dream of bread rising on the counter and granola cooling in the oven. I dream of sweating glasses of fresh made lemonade, and blood orange marmalade.

This world I live in just isn't meant for people like me but I can't help what I am and I know how exhausted it makes me and how precious little time it leaves for anything else but... but it's important somehow. It ways I can't put words to.
23 August 2010 @ 02:32 pm
Well I think an update is in order. Papa got out of the hospital Saturday. I haven't spoken to him but I hear he's feeling better. He was there because his heart was racing but his blood pressure was too low. I think I'll try to call him today and wish him well.

Called Grandpa today because I was too busy yesterday to call him. It was nice. I got to talk for some of the conversation for a change. I really enjoyed that. He sent me a letter last week asking for money for the American cancer society for his birthday. My inital reaction was shock and guilt since I don't normally send him anything for his birthday. Shock because he knows we don't have a lot of money to spare and guilt because I should at least send hima card but I don't even know when his birthday is except that it's in September. I plan to send him a $50 check for his cause, if he does this every year though I'll have to talk to him about our finances a little.

Howard spent the whole weekend working on his workshop. I'm excited about it but also tired of it too. It's such a big project if we finish it in another year I'll be surprised. I want to get my garden going again but I don't think it's going to happen because of the shop. I'm sad about that. But we are also cleaning off the drive way a bit to make room for an entertaining area. We want to build the space in (not till after the shop though) but in the mean time we figure chairs and a firepit will do for right now. Plus having it cleaned up means Ceridwen can play there with a tricycle when the weather cools down. I want to use some or all of my birthday money this year for stuff for that area but I know I should probably give half or even all of it to Howard for the shop... *sigh* I'll probably give him half and use the other half for chairs. Doing the right thing sucks sometimes but I know the shops expensive and we don't have any tax return money left so if I don't give him the money it'll either come out of our vaccation money which is tight anyway, or it won't happen. I have to remind myself I am the one who told him to build the shop. I know he'd wanted to for a long time and I pushed him in to doing it. I'm the one who told him go ahead and use the tax return money so I really have no one to blame but myself if it takes a chunk out of my savings.

The nesting boxes are done and the chickens are using them. We had our first all home raised egg breakfast Sunday. It was really nice. I guess I just don't have the tastebuds for it because I couldn't tell the difference but Howard could and I think Ceridwen did to because she was very hesitant about the eggs and she never is. Strange and new to her. She'll get used to it though. Got another egg this morning too. We aren't getting a lot of eggs I still have to buy some but we don't think all the chicken's are laying yet. I also need to get them layer feed today because it has a higher content of protein which they need to make eggs.

Phew... Going to shovel the driveway some more tonight and offer to help Howard seal a few more rivet holes in the shop. Need to a bit of housework too. Hope someday I have time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. All and all I'm happy though. Ceridwen is napping and will probably be a wake any minute now. Maybe at most in half an hour so I think I better see if I can squeeze in a little work before she's up and needs my attention. Hope all is well with all of you.
12 August 2010 @ 08:53 pm
Found an egg today but I hadn't been expecting eggs so we hadn't checked reguarly. No idea how long it had been out so we aren't going to eat it, however this afternoon we found another egg and that will be mighty nice eatting. Yeah! So very very cool. Our girls are producing now!
05 August 2010 @ 09:11 pm
It's been just one of those days after one of those weeks and I just want a real break. I so screwed up today. I wanted a break and could have had one but instead I got sucked in to finishing the dress I was sewing for Ceridwen. You might think, oh that's nice but honestly I'm not sure why I do this sort of stuff I always get so stressed out and intense. I'm like a dog with a bone I worry the project until it's done and if I just relaxed and took it a little at a time I might actually enjoy myself. *sigh* And just little stuff kept popping up today. Went to get the rolled hem throat plate for my serger and some more needles but left the house too late and Ceridwen fell asleep for the last five minutes of a forty minute drive so I didn't just turn around and go home like I should have. So she didn't want to nap when we did finally get home and a five minute nap doesn't cut it. She's sick so fussed most of last night, she's got a runny nose, I'm feeling like I'm fighting something and I'm sitting her sweating and sticking to my chair. Oh yeah and I'm ticked at Howard. I couldn't even give you a cut and dry answer as to why I'm just ticked at him. It's just felt like everytime I've needed him to reasure me and support me he's gotten snarly or been a jack @$$. I don't know. I'm sure he probably would have appreciated a thank you dfor watching and playing with Ceridwen while I finished the dress but... oh hell with the butt it's just been a screwed up day. I haven't done anything right all day and Howard hasn't done anything all that wrong it's just he hasn't done anything all that right and that ticks me off. It'd be nice if one of us is a mess if the other would pick up the damn slack I mean how often do I do that with him? How often do I have his back? I'm the one who makes sure the house isn't a wreck, I'm the one who keeps the clothes clean, I'm the one who keeps food in the fridge, plans the meals (all of them, breakfast, lunch and dinner 7 days a week), I'm the one who cooks the meals, I'm the one who makes sure that the stuff no one wants to be responsible for in this house gets done. I'm the one who makes sure doctor visits happen, dentist appointments happen, I'm the one who makes sure the pictures get uploaded so family can see Ceridwen, I'm the one who tries to make sure HIS damn family gets to see Ceridwen reguarly and that my Dad gets to see her too. If I died tomorrow the whole interworkings of this house would come to a grinding halt. Sure as help hope someone would come to Ceridwen and Howard's rescue. Hell I'm the one looking out for Tiff too. I care about her but damn it, it'd be really nice if she'd have my back once an a while. It'd be really nice if she'd take the innitative to come up with something for us to do and call me. Or just come over to visit or offer to watch Ceridwen so Howard and I can go out, or so I can mop my floors. I know she's got her own life and hell I know she's been stressed lately but... *sigh* Ah hell it isn't her either. It's just that sometimes I really wish someone would take care of me for a change. Without me having to be so sick Howard has no damn choice.