I'm worried about the cats still being sick with Giardia and not being able to treat them. Faith just won't take her meds and we can't afford to hospitilize her. I've tried to ignore it but it's not going away and I'm worried Ceridwen may have caught it from the cats. She's been complaining of her stomach hurting for at least two weeks now. But it could be anything. Heck the cats might not even have Giardia it might be something else... even that worries me.
I'm worried about us having gotten health insurance. I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was but now that we are signed up and we can't get out for a year I wonder how we will survive with a $100 less a week when we haven't been doing it without the credit card as it is. I never wanted to do that. We never have in our lives before and we don't for every day stuff but the crap like the water heater breaking or Tamika being really sick and putting her to sleep and... just shit, it's just so much shit.
I worry about the cold in a house with no heat. Oh we have a plug in heater but tonight we discovered it was melting the outlet so it's out of commision for now. Not sure if it is the heater or the outlet.
I'm worried about Howard because he doesn't handle the pressure well and has no one to talk to, no buddies to laugh with nothing to help him. He feels like he can't provide for his family like he's screwing up and instead of that motivating him to make changes it paralyzies him into just putting one foot in front of the other. The problem is, that doesn't work.
Howard would not ask me to go back to work but I feel like maybe I need to start looking, but I'm terrified. It is a very hard thing to start doing again. I feel like I can't get done what I need to now, how will I manage with a job again? And I want to provide well for the family but I don't want to hate what I do. I don't want to just join the lines of thousands putting one foot in front of the other. I want to be a better mother before I start trying to be more, and yet I almost feel like I have no choice. I have no other way to help. I scrimp and save on shoping but really what else can I do? The two biggest things would be to stop eating out at all, and to not buy as much for Ceridwen. I'm sure it's less than some but when you are poor you need to do even less.
I worry I'm spoiling Ceridwen but I don't know how to stop. It is one of the few pleasures in life being able to give her something I think is neat. Kid's stuff is cheaper than adult stuff and when I can't do for myself at least I can for her. But I can't really because what she would probably give everything up for would be just to have me with a play barbies with her reguarly but I can't, I can't make myself do it and I feel so uptight and stressed when I try. It feels like I can't do right. I can't fix the problems all around me and it's driving me nuts.
I'm frustrated with my car. I want it to stop leaking power steering fluid, I don't know if it's stopped leaking coolant, and I really am bothered by the SES light and the anti-lock break light coming on. I try to ignore it but it bothers me, but I don't dare pressure Howard on it. The car still runs... it'll get delt with when it leaves me stranded on the roadside. I only hope it isn't in a 115 degree heat in the middle of summer with Ceridwen in the car. I probably should take to keeping bottled water in the car... a small thing but something. Although it is cool now... but I'll probably forget this idea by summer.